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Post by thelampincident on Nov 16, 2011 15:15:18 GMT -5
So last night I made the mistake of having some beers before going to work (and before any of you motherfuckers say anything, I finished my last one a good three hours before my shift started). I had four of them. Anybody who's ever had a beer before can tell you what kind of shits those produce. It was around 1:30am or so, I'd been holding in my poop for a while thinking "Well it can't get much worse". Lo and behold, I was in the middle of dropping off a student way out east and the shits started pounding, I mean really pounding on my colon. Serious emergency situation. I dropped whoever it was off and made a beeline for the Shell station that's open 24 hours, the only place I know of that has a public bathroom and is open at that time. I'm driving down the street and can feel the pressure building and building to the point where I'm actually breaking a sweat trying to hold in this most outrageous of dumps. I park the van and go into the gas station, ask for the key and drop trou as fast as possible and proceed to have a diarrhea water balloon drop from my ass like a guy going over Niagara Falls in a barrel coupled with the sound of someone firing a plunger cannon into the great crumbly depths of dirt Valhalla. I sat there for a few minutes twiddling on my phone and letting more hoppy heaven slide out my brown eye like buttery mashed potatoes down the side of an aluminum trash can and proceed to go back to work, never having felt so relieved before.
POST YOUR SHIT STORIES
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Post by ryan on Nov 16, 2011 18:22:02 GMT -5
Hmmmm.... not a shit story but a good piss one.
I was driving home late from a show and had decided to go through the drive thru at taco bell as the dining room was closed by that time. There was a line of course so i'm sitting there waiting for a few minutes. I finally get to the menu board and order and then pull forward. At this particular TB the drive thru is 1 lane that goes behind the building so once you pull in line there is nowhere to go but forward... and I am all of a sudden hit with the violent urge to piss. So there's no where to go and I'm literally writhing in agony as I try and hold this mega piss. I pull up to the window and am waiting on my food and come to the realization that if I wait for my food I will piss myself but if I drive away then I will be burrito-less. So I piss myself, get my food, and pull forward into the parking lot and chow down. Burritos > piss pants.
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Post by thelampincident on Nov 16, 2011 19:30:42 GMT -5
Hahahaha, did you not have a cup in your car or something?
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Post by WillFatcore on Nov 16, 2011 21:18:44 GMT -5
i would have peed out the window
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Post by thelampincident on Nov 16, 2011 21:43:28 GMT -5
I've definitely pissed in a cup while driving down the road, more than once at that. The worst feeling is when you fill the cup so much that you can feel the tip of your wang completely submerged in your own urine. Uncomfortable.
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Post by swilliam on Nov 16, 2011 21:44:27 GMT -5
I tried to piss into a soda can in the car once and I was so freaked out about slicing my tip, I just ended up mostly pissing in my lap instead.
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Post by thelampincident on Nov 16, 2011 21:46:28 GMT -5
Hahaha, yeah. That sounds awful. One time in truck land I tried to piss in a Gatorade bottle while driving down the road, but opted to just hold it in instead. The mouths of Gatorade bottles are really not that wide and I did it a bunch of times in the sleeper berth, but I was real worried about my tip popping out of the side of the bottle and getting piss all over the floor.
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Post by pep on Nov 16, 2011 21:49:32 GMT -5
At the theatre I used to work at the layout was like this:
Entrance, Ladies room, Concessions and then Mens room.
I'm standing door one evening and a man walks out of the neighboring Dollar Tree. He get's to the door holding his ass and says he can't make it to the mens room. After a seconds worth of questioning I see the pain he's in and allow him to go into the ladies restroom. A couple minutes pass and he emerges simply stating "I didn't make it." Basically, imagine the original post but pretty much covering half of the entire stall and the asshole didn't even try to clean any of it.
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Post by thelampincident on Nov 16, 2011 21:52:57 GMT -5
Hahaha, I don't miss working in a restaurant for that reason either! I remember there was one day a guy took a shit in the bathroom, but must have had leftovers after he got up. You could tell he was really embarrassed too. There was a trail of shit dribble that went from the bathroom door to the front door of the restaurant. These were all little tiny drops, but funny to think about.
There was one day before I had started working there that my boss told me about the septic tank backing up. The toilets and sinks in the bathrooms were overflowing with shit, and a one inch puddle of shit seeped up from the drain in the dish room. They had to alternate keeping the drains at bay along with still washing dishes, because for some reason in the midst of all this they never closed the fucking restaurant!
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Post by swilliam on Nov 16, 2011 22:03:01 GMT -5
in high school, my brother was using my car. he was driving whothefuckknowswhere, and had to shit. he pulled into a wal-mart parking lot, put a towel on the passenger seat, shit onto it, rolled it up, and continued on his way instead of either throwing it out or going inside to shit.
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Post by grinchx on Nov 16, 2011 22:49:00 GMT -5
I once took a shit so long that it snaked completely around the circumference of the toilet bowl, so when it broke off it slapped my nuts.
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Post by flesheater on Nov 16, 2011 22:51:22 GMT -5
I took a shit out of my friend's window while he was driving down a highway.
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Post by pep on Nov 16, 2011 23:19:55 GMT -5
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Post by ryan on Nov 17, 2011 10:01:30 GMT -5
Hahahaha, did you not have a cup in your car or something? I didn't have SHIT! I searched around frantically but to no avail. After I ate I stopped at this "wash your own car" place on the way to my house, removed my pants, and proceeded to wash the car seat in my boxers. Why I decided to remove my pants I will never know, as my boxers were soaked in piss too, but it seemed like the right thing to do. So after washing the seat and hosing down my shorts, I took my shirt off and folded it up so I could sit on it and not have my piss boxers get piss on the seat again and proceeded to drive home. I once took a shit so long that it snaked completely around the circumference of the toilet bowl, so when it broke off it slapped my nuts. This happened to me not all that long ago at work. NOT a good feeling.
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Post by monollectif on Nov 17, 2011 10:23:36 GMT -5
i have a pee story...
i was listning to the Death Toll 80k and went for a piss. The grind was too intense and pissed all over the bathroom. True story.
Same shit happened last week while listning to the new Misanthropic Noise demo haha
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Post by thelampincident on Nov 17, 2011 12:13:13 GMT -5
I love it when you take a piss and it lasts for over a minute...
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Post by BigSeth on Nov 18, 2011 13:15:24 GMT -5
The first Gowl / Stone Titan summer tour we whent on, I took 3 shits in 8 days. I wasn't in pain at all. And at the time I was kinda freaked out that i wasn't shitting on a daily basis. I use to be super wiered out by other peoples bathrooms and i think that was the main cause. I have since corrected this problem. Each shit was massive. The biggest shits i have ever taken.
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Post by pep on Nov 18, 2011 14:14:44 GMT -5
My dinner last night was quinoa so I'm looking forward to todays restroom visits.
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Post by hipsterchainsaw on Nov 26, 2011 4:17:43 GMT -5
i frequently poop at the gas station connected to my dunkin donuts, it is also right off the freeway and at an intersection with pepsi bottling plant, i had to shit needless to say and went to the bathroom only to find that someone was in the stall next to mine, violently shitting, moaning, groaning, wet, solid, etc. i went outside for 5 minutes and returned to only hear more violent gorging, needless to say when i did shit it was great.
another time i was in ann arbor walking around all day after eating a foot long veggie sub from a subway in a gas station, i shit in a jimmy johns because it was the only place that didn't say "restrooms only for paying customers" on the front door, this shit was lodged properly in the hole of the toilet and was the titanic.
both poops dealing with gas stations should be noted.
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Post by thelampincident on Jan 26, 2012 4:33:39 GMT -5
I took a shit so profoundly breathtaking earlier tonight it made me believe for a brief moment in time that global peace is not only possible, but right around the corner.
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ltxdan
Hates Pornogrind A Lot
Posts: 145
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Post by ltxdan on Jan 26, 2012 15:03:17 GMT -5
Burritos > piss pants.[/quote]
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Post by thelampincident on Jan 26, 2012 16:14:48 GMT -5
Would it kill you to post something that isn't really fucking boring for a change?
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Post by thelampincident on Jan 27, 2012 14:07:15 GMT -5
Beer shits sure are different when you eat healthier. I woke up and went to the bathroom to unleash what I can only describe as a waterfall of soft serve ice cream pouring from my asshole. Pretty awesome.
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Post by thelampincident on Jan 29, 2012 4:26:03 GMT -5
You know those shits where you can feel the pressure building inside you but it just won't give and then at one point you shoot a bullet out of your asshole as fast as gunfire? Not a fan of the splashback, but other than that, they're pretty cool.
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Post by hipsterchainsaw on Feb 8, 2012 2:35:24 GMT -5
i answered the drive thru while shitting the other day. in comfort, i was silent pooping and we have lo-fi headsets.
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